Saturday, 27 May 2017

Utter Genius

Typical Germans leading from the front.



A rock festival in Germany has laid a four mile pipeline beneath its site to deliver free-flowing beer to 75 000 thirsty metalheads in August.

The 7 km pipeline will supply around 400 000 litres of lager to revellers at this year’s Wacken Open Air festival in Wacken, northern Germany, which is set to play host to heavy metal acts including Alice Cooper, Megadeth, Marilyn Manson and Trivium

The pipeline will allow bartenders to pour six beers per second, according to organisers, eliminating the need for barrel swaps and preventing the festival grounds from being churned up by beer trucks.

Huge empty pipes have already been installed beneath the festival site, through which a beer pipeline will be run, as well as fiber optic cables and power supply lines.

“Beer stalls in front of the main stages will be provided with fresh beer from our new underground beer pipeline.  Both fresh and waste water will run through these pipes too.  Of course we will control the hygiene of the tubes all the time.

Until this year, we always had to move dozens of barrels through the infield.  We had to bring in full barrels before and during the shows and afterwards we had to remove the empty ones.  This caused a lot of avoidable traffic. The new pipeline helps us to protect the floor.  And we also get rid of bottlenecks at the bar, you will not have to wait for the new barrel to be on tap anymore.”

Well Said

Women should be obscene and not heard.
Groucho Marx
US comedian with Marx Brothers (1890 - 1977)

News Thump

A new report has revealed that the majority of British men are still uncomfortable with kissing hello and would rather return to the days when a brief, stiff, formal handshake was the only acceptable physical expression of greeting.
“The whole procedure is incredibly difficult and embarrassing,” said normal British man Simon Williams.
“Are you supposed to kiss on the lips, on one cheek, on both cheeks? If one cheek, which one? Should the hug be warm and enveloping or just a brief clutch of the shoulders?
“One would imagine that there would be some sort of set of clear rules, perhaps freely available on the internet but, oh no, it’s just all Russian donkey porn and poorly written ‘satirical’ pieces about UKIP.”
However, what British men fear most is a greeting kiss that goes wrong.
“Yes, I had a tremendously good friend from university and one evening, myself and my wife went round to dinner, his wife did the open-arms thing and so I went to kiss her on the cheek,” Williams added.
“Unfortunately, I missed and accidentally kissed her ear.
“Conversation throughout the evening was extremely stilted and now we’ve stopped swapping Christmas cards.”
The survey revealed that there is a small number of men who are comfortable greeting people with a kiss, but they are understood to all be French
NT

Horrible

The new home page of the BBC.  I don't like it at all.

BBC

Customer Review

One of the worst pieces of literature I have ever read

funny amazon reviews

Late Bill

We finally received our wi-fi bill a couple of days late.  It's not that I like paying bills, but I do like to be prompt and it concerns me that if the letter is put into the wrong box, we could well end up losing our connection.

I'd be dead without our internet.

Viz Bits

DYK?

Barbie's full name is Barbara Millicent Roberts.

The World is Not Enough

Was the choice for our private Bank Holiday film yesterday afternoon.  Still as good as you'll get for a Bond movie and we enjoyed the re-run.

F A Cup

It's the lesser of two evils but for me it has to be Chelsea for the double.  Couldn't bear to see The Arse lift yet another trophy.

Pastures Anew

Every once in a while we like to have a look around and see what other options there are for a night out.  Today we are off to some night market with Francois and Khun On to a place they like with cheap beer and plenty to eat.  Chuck in some live music and we should be all set for a super night out.

The only problem is we don't have a clue where it is and we'll have to meet at our local- and it's always a big problem leaving once you've got a seat at the bar.

C & H

Friday, 26 May 2017

News Thump

Post image for Sam Allardyce to destroy ISIS
Big Sam Allardyce has retired from football to focus on fucking ISIS right up.
The formidable former football manager successfully saved Crystal Palace from relegation this season.
“And now he’s coming to save us all,” confirmed Allardyce’s agent, Simon Williams.
“Big Sam was watching the events unfold in Manchester from a pub in Bolton. He literally crushed a pint glass in his hand, said ‘Right’ and then marched out the door while humming the A-Team theme.
“You know that bit in Commando where Arnold Schwarzenegger takes his shirt off and tools up with a range of assault weapons? Well that’s exactly what Big Sam is doing in his shed right now – albeit while eating a pasty and keeping his vest on.”
Football pundit Elizabeth King said, “Yes of course women can be football pundits.
“Anyway, it’s an unusual step for Allardyce. We’d assumed he’d go on the after-dinner speaking circuit before slipping into an unfortunate gambling habit like so many of his peers.
“We certainly didn’t expect to see him stood at the front of a speedboat heading for Syria, middle fingers raised aloft while singing Rule Britannia. It’s truly inspiring.
“I hope he’s had his Weetabix. I imagine fighting an army of psycho-religious nutjobs is a bit harder than keeping Crystal Palace in the Premiership.
“Not much harder though.”
NT

Well Said

A hypocrite is a person who--but who isn't?
Don Marquis
US humorist (1878 - 1937)

Customer Review

Absolute agony!

funny amazon reviews
funny amazon reviews

Bank Holiday

Neither official or recognised by anyone else, we are having a bank holiday chez ktelontour.  We will be watching a James Bind film later this afternoon.

Isn't the simple life just so much fun?

Typical

Quite prominently displayed on the wall at the British Embassy it said "Exchange Rate THB 46 to £1".

We paid THB 4 600 for our two proofs of residence (thieving gets) and even if it is now 36 years since I did my Maths "O" level, I can still work out that comes to exactly one hundred quid.

So how come my credit card statement reads £103.14?

I am almost tempted to fire off an inquiry...

Marmite vs Vegemite

Image result for marmite Image result for vegemite

Incontrovertible proof that the British spread shits on the Australian offering.  A 250 g jar of Marmite is THB 259, yet a similar sized pot of the inferior Aussie spread is THB 159.

Spit the pips out of that.

DYK?

The name Wendy was made up for the book "Peter Pan."

Viz Bits

Archer 7

With news that Archer has been offered a new three season contract, we opened up the taps on series 6 last night.  With great self restraint we resisted watching all 10 episodes back to back but it's kicked off with a blinder and we can't wait to see more tonight.

The art work is lusher and more detailed, the same cast is offering the brilliant voice overs and from the opening scene, you'll be hooked.

Without doubt, the best adult animation on the screen.  Ever.

Why Not?

How come doughnuts don't have jam everywhere with just a little squirt into the centre of the doughy death balls?  I'd happily pay more for a fuller jammed up option, stop being so tight.

It Hurts

Having got the fan running properly now, the "jerky" looked about right last night and I sampled a bit.  The initial euphoria of tasting my own produced cured beef strip was sadly brief as I lost the sight in one eye.

Ber-loody Hell's bells, was it salty.

Not to worry, being of sound mind and with a memory of a goldfish, I tried another piece.  I promptly lost vision in the other eye...

OK, I O'd on the salt rub and will now go easy on the trigger.  Salting is necessary to draw out any excess moisture but instead of bathing the beef in NaCl, it will be sprinkled on and left in the fridge overnight to draw out any liquids.  Then I shall pat the meat dry with kitchen paper, add the dry seasoning before hanging the prepared strips in the drier.

Mark II will begin this weekend.

C & H

Thursday, 25 May 2017

The Kindness of Strangers



i100

What a Delightful Story

Roger Moore, the gentleman he was.  Taken from TInd:

"As a seven-year-old in about 1983, in the days before First Class Lounges at airports, I was with my grandad in Nice Airport and saw Roger Moore sitting at the departure gate, reading a paper. I told my granddad I'd just seen James Bond and asked if we could go over so I could get his autograph. My grandad had no idea who James Bond or Roger Moore were, so we walked over and he popped me in front of Roger Moore, with the words "my grandson says you're famous. Can you sign this?"

As charming as you'd expect, Roger asks my name and duly signs the back of my plane ticket, a fulsome note full of best wishes. I'm ecstatic, but as we head back to our seats, I glance down at the signature. It's hard to decipher it but it definitely doesn't say 'James Bond'. My grandad looks at it, half figures out it says 'Roger Moore' - I have absolutely no idea who that is, and my hearts sinks. I tell my grandad he's signed it wrong, that he's put someone else's name - so my grandad heads back to Roger Moore, holding the ticket which he's only just signed.
I remember staying by our seats and my grandad saying "he says you've signed the wrong name. He says your name is James Bond." Roger Moore's face crinkled up with realisation and he beckoned me over. When I was by his knee, he leant over, looked from side to side, raised an eyebrow and in a hushed voice said to me, "I have to sign my name as 'Roger Moore' because otherwise...Blofeld might find out I was here." He asked me not to tell anyone that I'd just seen James Bond, and he thanked me for keeping his secret. I went back to our seats, my nerves absolutely jangling with delight. My grandad asked me if he'd signed 'James Bond.' No, I said. I'd got it wrong. I was working with James Bond now.
Many, many years later, I was working as a scriptwriter on a recording that involved UNICEF, and Roger Moore was doing a piece to camera as an ambassador. He was completely lovely and while the cameramen were setting up, I told him in passing the story of when I met him in Nice Airport. He was happy to hear it, and he had a chuckle and said "Well, I don't remember but I'm glad you got to meet James Bond." So that was lovely.
And then he did something so brilliant. After the filming, he walked past me in the corridor, heading out to his car - but as he got level, he paused, looked both ways, raised an eyebrow and in a hushed voice said, "Of course I remember our meeting in Nice. But I didn't say anything in there, because those cameramen - any one of them could be working for Blofeld."
I was as delighted at 30 as I had been at 7. What a man. What a tremendous man."

What a Race

The French MotoGP from Le Mans.  You couldn't ask for a more closely contested race and while I can't go into details in case you want to see it (and you should), you can't take your eyes off the action.

Best battle of the year, so far.

Well Said

We've heard that a million monkeys at a million keyboards could produce the complete works of Shakespeare; now, thanks to the Internet, we know that is not true.
Robert Wilenskyspeech at a 1996 conference

News Thump

Post image for Katie Hopkins threat level raised from ‘public irritant’ to ‘toxic shit fountain’
The threat level posed by Katie Hopkins to the collective consciousness of the human race has been raised to its highest level.
The decision was made after Hopkins posted a tweet calling for a ‘final solution’ in the wake of the recent terrorist attack in Manchester, prompting authorities to question what kind of a person would use such a terrible event to promote their own self-aggrandising hate-filled worldview and to draw attention to themselves just for the sake of it.
Simon Williams, head of the UK’s Threat Level Assessment Centre told reporters, “Many of you will remember that when Katie Hopkins was a contestant on The Apprentice back in 2006 she posed a relatively low threat to our society, as she would just throw a few insults about and be a generally nasty cow, but as time has passed the threat level she poses to our society and our collective intelligence has steadily increased.
“A significant red flag was when she joined Twitter, thereby giving her a public platform for her own unique brand of tasteless bile-spewing twattery. Since then she has gone from bad to worse, as if she is solely driven by attention, whether good or bad.”
He concluded, “It is now clear that she poses a critical threat to the intelligence, reputation, societal values and general good taste of Great Britain and everyone should be vigilant and respond appropriately to any further bigoted outbursts by reporting her to the police”.
Katie Hopkins has yet to publicly respond to the decision, but it is anticipated that the soulless bint will probably welcome the extra attention.
NT

DYK?

Most American car horns honk in the key of F.

Excellent

We have had a small car mechanic's garage around the corner from us that closed a few months back and the lot has been left vacant.  A few days ago we saw some people measuring up and the next thing we see is that they will be putting up a new 7-11.

Short of a new bar, I couldn't think of anything better as it will be open 24 hours around the clock (Tesco Lotus closes from 00:00 to 06:00) and it is directly on the way home from the pub.  We can also pay off any bills there and they also stock items no one else keeps.

Fine idea and we fully approve.

Duff Motor

The fan drying off my first batch of jerky has stalled a couple of times, which I suspect is down to a poor USB extension cable, but having had a fiddle all now seems well.  It has been drying over night and with luck another day should finish it off.

It looks right but I suspect the vinegar will have been too much so it's going to be a bit of trial and error before i can bask in the glory of home made jerky. Patience is a virtue they say, to which I reply that I have never been virtuous.

Viz Bits

Proof of Residency

Having already whinged about the cost of the thing before, I will have one final pop.

Not only did it cost us £50 (each!) but the driving centre keeps it with your licence application.  We can't even re-use it.  And there's more to come.

As you may recall I was dismayed at the way the Embassy simply used our handwritten form and simply stamped it.  At the very least they should have typed it out or had the form on-line for us to type.  Well, the driving centre couldn't make out my handwriting (fair critique, it has to be said) and my application got held up while wifey had to re-write my address for them as they couldn't read it clearly.

It's funny now, but fifty quid for that?  Do fuck off.

The Advantages

Not only can you now legally drive/ride in the Kingdom of Thailand, your licence will also act as legal identity if you get stopped by Plod (by law you must carry your passport with you at all times) and you will also get the Thai rate for entering museums and shows, which can be a substantial saving.

You can also use it for domestic travel which avoid needing to take your passport.

Best of all if you were to get nicked for a driving offence you will still be able to take to the road as you have a second licence.

Cost of all of this was THB 2 300 for the Proof of Residency at the UK Embassy, THB 100 for the med cert, THB 105 for the bike licence and THB 205 for the car licence (last two are vague guesses as we paid the agency THB 2 500/person for taking car of things for us).  Both licences are valid for two years and on renewing next time you get a five year deal.

Nearly There

A new item before they let you loose with your licence is that you will have to watch a road safety video, which is about an hour long.

Yes, it is boring and much of what they suggest leaves you scratching your head as it is not how I would do things (we were taught to drive in the UK where standards are very demanding).  But stick with it, enjoy the brilliant sub titles (it's naturally in Thai) and once you have seen the back of that, a chap comes into the room with all your final paperwork.

Take it over to the other side of the building for your final document check and pose for your photo.  Quite wonderfully they will ask you to look at your picture for approval and if you don't like it, they will re-do.

Thereafter they will print your licences (two in our case) and you're free to leave.

Peripheral Perception Test

Put your nose to the cut out in the jig and your eyes will be aligned with a series of lights on either side, which will illuminate randomly in either red, green or yellow hues. Just call out the colour you see without moving your head or eyes (the lady sits opposite you to check for movement and will knack you if you do) and as soon as you reel off a few correct answers, you're done.

Except wifey who struggled and we couldn't work out why, until later, when she realised she had on her best glasses.  These have quite thick arms which were directly in her eye line and were blocking her sight.  She managed it fine in the end but bear this in mind when/if you wear glasses, take them off or wear thin frames.

Reflex Test

Put your foot on the accelerator pedal and watch for the red light to turn green.  As soon as it does, it will set off a vertical line of green LEDs and you have yo jump on the brake pedal before it reaches the top- or 75% of the way, it wasn't too clearly explained.

Either way, it's piece of piss and you'll suss it very easily.

Depth Perception

All the following test should be done twice, we only had to do them once, for some reason.

This exercise is an odd one as when you watch the video it is front facing yet when you do it for real it is side on (and much more "difficult").

You get a control box that moves a wooden dowel up and down and when you align it with a second, fixed dowel, you raise your hand.

That's it.

Into the Centre

Crossing the Sukhumvit road we were a very close distance from the driving centre (if you know the area, it's directly next to the Levi factory) and we walked there in around five minutes.

From the blazing heat we entered the air conditioned building and handed our paperwork to a chap who was making a mint operating the photocopier.  All relevant passport pages were then copied (including you TM Departure Card), along with our newly acquired medical certificate and proof of residency (this is because car and bike licences are not combined on one ID Card and are treated separately), plus your driving licence.  Every copied page then has to be signed by you.

Once you have done this, pick up an application form and after filling in your details, take it, along with your copied pile of paperwork to the window 35 (I think).

They will then process your application while you sit watching a video of the practical test you will shortly be going through.

First Things First

We used an agency recommended by Tommy and met the lady at the Bang Chak BTS station, so close we could have walked there.  She took us a short distance to a small doctor's surgery and we had our "medical".

This involved us standing in front of a nurse who filled in a form, took THB 100 in payment and then sent us on our way.  We were not checked, prodded or poked in anyway which was fine by us as we had cleared one hurdle- we were 100% fit, mentally and physically.

Cloak and Dagger

We can now reveal why we had to obtain proof of residency- both wifey and I applied for, and were successful, in getting our Thai driving licences.  Note the plural as we have one for driving a car and one for riding a bike.

Sit back and let us tell you how it was...

C & H

Wednesday, 24 May 2017

Top Gun 2

Just why?

The original was perhaps a camp classic waaay back in 1986 and now we will have to put up with a wizened Cruise reprising his role some thirty years on.

Couple that with the Baywatch re-make (seriously, in the 21st century?) and Mama Mia 2 and no wonder Hollywood is in the shit.

DYK?

The Big Bang was quieter than a Motorhead concert.

News Thump

Post image for John Terry retires from football to focus on adultery and racism
John Terry is tonight celebrating his retirement from football in order to focus on his true passions of adultery and racism.
“John has had a wonderful footballing career,” said the player’s agent, Simon Williams.
“He’s been part of a Chelsea side that has won the Premier League, the FA Cup and the League Cup, as well as European trophies.
“As for individual honours, he’s also won Chelsea Player of the Year, PFA Players’ Player of the Year, UEFA Club Defender of the Year and was even named as a member of the 2006 FIFA World Cup All-Star Team.
“But now it’s time for him to hang up his boots and focus on what he does best: adultery and racism.
“They say that in retirement every man needs a hobby, and John’s lucky that he’s got two: shagging other women and abusing people of different races.
“He feels he simply hasn’t given either discipline the attention needed lately, so he’s going to get cracking right away with a night out in Dagenham, where both can be explored freely.
“The Dog and Snatch should take care of the adultery and there’s an Asian chap who runs the corner shop opposite, so John can get stuck into shouting at him after a couple of Smirnoff Ices.”
Local Dagenham woman Shirley Lavern said, “I’d be delighted to help John get back into the swing of adultery.
“I can even organise a guard of honour for when I pull him off after 26 minutes.”
NT

Back to the Old

Can't be doing with the new look Skype "specially for Windows 10".  I have no idea how to access the home screen, miss my connection indicator (green cloud in the system tray) and so have found a version of the old school style.

It's working perfectly well and instantly showed we had no connection to the internet this morning.  A router reboot was required and all seems well again, including that reassuring green glow indicating things are as they should be.

Roger Moore

Passed away at a ripe old age of 89.  Quite possibly the best role of his life.  He may have been a spoof Bond but he was a class Saint and he will be missed.

So What Now?

The reason for proof of where we live?  You'll hopefully find out tomorrow.  😐

Viz Bits

camper tent van shoes